3 Sliced Mice was first performed at Bristol University in 2001
3 Sliced Mice - the synopsis…
John Michael Pitts
We join the middle of the live television broadcast of a cooking programme (in front of a studio audience) in which a French chef is demonstrating some authentic French cuisine. He is joined by the presenter whose banal wittering irritates him.
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The presenter introduces a guest, a student nurse who tells a food-related story of her charity work around the world. As is the show's custom, the guest then delivers the weekly “Culinary Challenge” to the chef, who proceeds to prepare the delicacy in question.
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The chef and Lizzie get on well in the kitchen. He asks her out on a date, but she refuses him because she is engaged. A discussion ensues about the benefits of temporary pleasures and the meaning of life. The presenter finds this all too much for daytime telly, and they taste the food and the show ends.
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3 Sliced Mice - the libretto…
Presenter sitting on chair, Chef standing motionless in kitchen area, mid-gesture, holding knife.
Chef Wiv a large knife. And viewers at home, your knife must be extremely sharp, razor sharp! For zee legs of a fresh frog, frogs' legs are werry werry tough, tough like rubber. Alors! Haw hee haw, Alors! One must slice comme ca, wsshhhhhht, wsshhhht, and off come zose legs! But it's not what you slice…
Audience …it's the way you slice it!
Chef Be-ware to remove your finguer! Chuckle chuckle. Frog's legs into zee hot pan! Zee `erbs and onions is already nice and brown. Garlic, garlic! So aromatic! Leave to simmeur. But what must we do wiv zee frog body? Don't throw away. Non non non, what a waste. Zee body of a fresh frog we stuff, and cover wiv a sauce, and then we bake it. Very saucy. But what of zee frog's arms? We use frog arms to clean our ears! Ha ha ha ha. Alors! Haw hee haw, Alors! And what of zee `ead? Zee `ead is zee best bit, most nutritious, full of flavour! And its little brain - tres delicieux! We eat wiv a spoon. Alors! Haw hee haw, Alors! Now for zee fun bit - we chop…
Chops head and arms off.
Presenter Ha ha ha ha ha - That looks mouth-watering.
Chef cuts himself
Chef Aie!!
Presenter Oh dear,…
Chef Aie!!
Presenter …what can the matter be?
Chef I have cut my bleeding finguer, Aie!!
Presenter Ha ha ha ha - Oh dear…
Chef Hee haw hee haw hee haw
Presenter Ha ha ha ha - is there blood?
Chef My finguer is bleeding.
Presenter Ha ha ha ha
Chef Haw hee haw, Aie!!
Presenter Ha ha ha ha ha
Chef Aie!! Can we get a plaster, please?
Presenter Aaah, I do not like blood - it makes me rather queasy.
Chef Can we get a plaster, please?
Presenter Ha ha ha ha. But chef, ha ha, it's not what you slice…
Chef Ha ha ha Aie!! Also chop, chopping is dangereux, ha ha h….Merci. Hwat a mess!
Presenter What a mess!
Chef Ha ha, it's zee way you slice it, laughter, raucous laughter - it's not what you slice…
Presenter Oh blood, I am not so good with blood!
Chef Now for zee vegetables.
Presenter I do not like blood, it makes me rather queasy!
Chef Now zee sauce for zee frog body.
Presenter Chef, what about you?
Chef Quoi? What you say?
Presenter What about you? Do you like blood?
Chef My favourite! Ha ha.
Presenter And who in the studio audience - who of you do not like blood? Put up your hands! Yes, quite a few. I'm not the only one. I'm not the only one who does not like blood, I do not like blood it makes me feel sick, I do not like blood, it makes me feel sick.
Chef Cordon Bleu! Go, sit! Please to put your feet away. We'll both recover during zis commercial break! Don't go away.
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D) Do you have a drinking problem? Is one drink never enough? Well, watch this space to find out how we can help you.
THEME MUSIC
Presenter Hello, thank you, ha ha ha ha, and welcome back. I introduce our next guest, Lizzie, a student, Lizzie, a medical student nurse, from the University of Bristol. Isn't she clever? Ha ha ha ha, clap clap, clap clap, welcome, sit down.
Chef Isn't she a beauty, what legs!
Lizzie A a a a h hello.
Chef Formidable! Haw hee haw hee haw.
Presenter Lizzie, ha ha, has just done some voluntary work. Tell the viewers where.
Lizzie I i i i I t t travelled round the wwworld and I I I …
Presenter Ha ha ha ha, for how long?
Lizzie W w w one year.
Presenter And what did you do when you got there? What did you do?
Lizzie Ch ch charity.
Presenter Isn't she nice!
Lizzie I wwwent to solve the world's problems.
Presenter Isn't she good!
Lizzie Th th there are peoples there are tribes and nations, who lack basic shelter, refugees fleeing war, without healthcare or food. There is suffering.
Presenter Ha ha ha ha, clap clap, clap clap, Suffering! Don't put our viewers off their food! Ha ha. Now for our “Culinary Challenge”. So what is your challenge for our chef?
Lizzie W w one place I went, th the local delicacy was rodents, mice, so my culinary challenge, chef, is this: small stuffed mice, thinly sliced, and special fried!
Chef and Presenter Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die.
Audience Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die.
Chef and Presenter and Lizzie Haw haw, ha ha, hee hee.
Chef Alors! Haw hee haw! Now for zee fun bit. `Ere we `ave zee mice. La! La! Et la!
Presenter Aaaaahhh!
Lizzie Th th the mice are alive!
Presenter Aaaaahhh!
Chef Haw haw haw haw.
Lizzie Alive!
Chef Mais oui, oui, yes! I only use fresh ingredients, picked absolument fresh! All zat adrenaline! Haw haw.
Lizzie A a are you going to kill them now?
Chef Oui oui.
Presenter You would not get this kind of sporting entertainment anywhere but Channel 6!
Lizzie Killing mice!
Chef It is fun to do, fun for all the family, family fun.
Presenter Forget all your troubles with a nice slice of special fried mice. Ha ha ha ha.
Chef Alors! Zee best way to kill a mice is to take it by zee tail and swing it. Would you like to try?
Presenter Ha ha ha ha, no thank you.
Chef Lovely Lizzie?
Lizzie N n no thank you - I'll leave it to the man!
Chef My favourite bit. Swing swing. And zen, we take zee mice, and after we swing we hit hit hit.
Presenter Isn't it disgusting! Ha ha ha ha.
Lizzie Hee hee.
Chef It is fun to do.
Presenter I'm not the only one who does not like blood, it makes me feel sick.
Lizzie Hee hee.
Chef Are you ready?
Presenter and Lizzie Yes!
Chef Are you steady?
Presenter and Lizzie Yes!
Chef Let's go!
Kills mouse 1 Presenter and Lizzie Ooooh!
Kills mouse 2 Presenter and Lizzie Aaaah!
Kills mouse 3 Presenter Oh what a mess!
Lizzie Isn't he strong!
Presenter Such a man!
Lizzie Adorable!
Presenter We'll be back after this break.
Chef Please don't go, don't go away!
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THEME MUSIC
Presenter Hello, thankyou, ha ha ha ha, and welcome back. Before the break we had some splendid entertainment in the Channel 6 studio! Our chef killed three mice. And during the break he and Lizzie got started on frying.
Chef Alors! Wiv some garlic. And lovely Lizzie is helping me.
Lizzie The pleasure's all mine.
Chef What a lady! She's wonderful wiv a knife.
Lizzie A a and you have such a knowledge of herbs and spices.
Chef Alors! Haw hee haw, Alors! You are very beautiful in zat apron, and I would like to see you out of it. Hee haw hee haw.
Lizzie Oooh, you are so naughty.
Presenter O yes, we like some flirting on telly.
Chef You've got a great pair of legs.
Lizzie Oh you know the phrases that please ladies.
Chef Would you like to go for a drink?
Lizzie Maybe. When?
Chef Whenever you like. After zee show?
Lizzie N n no, I really cannot.
Presenter Will our chef be turned down on telly? Ha ha ha.
Chef Very funny!
Lizzie But I am engaged, and my father would not like it.
Chef Non non, what a shame. Zee body of such a girl is good and very very nice, so… I am rich and famous, have some fun. Live for the moment.
Lizzie It would not be right.
Chef There is no right or wrong any more. What is right? What is wrong? Feeling good, zis is what matters, feeling nice, zis is what counts.
Lizzie W w what a dreadful attitude. You live for pleasure? Nothing deeper than that?
Chef What's wrong wiv zat? We live maybe seventy years, and zen what? Nothing, probably! Pleasure is all we've got.
Lizzie Do you have no beliefs?
Chef I believe a little bit of zis and a little bit of zat and a little bit of zee ozer! What does it matter? We'll all be dead soon.
Lizzie You don't think there's a divine reason for your existence?
Chef No I don't fink. Maybe… trying to give pleasure to ovver people - I believe in humanity.
Lizzie But not in God?
Chef I believe in television, and radio - entertainment - zis is what we need. I, for me, for us, it is essential, a necessity. Look see, zee human brain is only so big - if we fill it wiv so much information, ba ba ba ba - news, sport, comedy, drama - zen zer is no spare time, and zer is no desire or need to fink about dying. Entertainment. Zis stops me asking what point was my life if I die.
Presenter Ha ha ha ha.
Chef Alors! Haw hee haw.
Presenter And how deep are we on this show?
Chef We are so deep. Now time for zee best bit.
Presenter Food glorious food. I am so hungry I could eat a mouse. Are they ready?
Chef Oui, zey are ready. We can eat zem. Voila, et voila. Tres delicieux!
Presenter and Lizzie So delicious!
Presenter You triumph again.
Chef I triumph again! Merci, haw hee haw, thank you for watching our show.
Presenter We'll be back next week, same time, same place.
Chef Au revoir
Presenter and Lizzie Bye-bye.
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ã JOHN MICHAEL PITTS, Bristol 2001
